I Love Babies!

by Irene Palmer-Stabbenblatz
Proud Mother of Five

I just love babies! I can�t get enough of them! I can�t wait till this one is born so I can get started on the next pretty little bundle of sweetness! I�ll add her to my wonderful little army of heavenly goodness: Tasha, Michael, Annalee, Hasbro, and Cole. Some say it must be tough raising five children, ages one through six. But to me, every squeal of delight, every laugh, every SIDs scare, every warm bolus of regurgitated Gerber peas �n carrots is like a little reminder from God that I am blessed with five perfect little loud angels.

Let me give you an example. This past Sunday we all went to the mall for our weekly shopping trip with the family. Richard and I strapped our five little candy-coated apples from God into our 2003 Ford AstroBlast Urban Destroyer 21-cylinder Touring Skiff & Conversion Barge. I got Cole to calm down and stop rubbing Desitin in Hasbro�s ears once I put a DVD of Ice Age, his favorite non-R-rated movie, into the AstroBlast�s OmniMedia NaviTainment� Console. That made the ten-minute ride to the mall a whole lot quieter, at least until Annalee spit up on Cole�s Dora The Explorer� doll, which he then threw at Tasha, causing her to begin crying and Richard to almost swerve into the median in front of Shop-Ko.

But we finally got to the mall and decided to start with Target, because it�s the most stroller-friendly store, and that�s important to us, believe me!! After parking, Richard opened the back door of the AstroBlast so we could unload and begin assembling the TotRocker� Dual-Passenger Panzer-Class Child Conveyance Module XE. This only took about ten minutes thanks to Richard�s knack for assembling things, and my decision to unleash Mom�s secret weapon: juice boxes! They all started right in on the juice boxes, except Tasha who, being only fourteen months old, is not so good with straws or walking, and Hasbro, whose eyesight is not so good on account of his astigmatism, for which he must wear an adhesive eyepatch at all times. Michael offered to help Hasbro open his juicebox, then proceeded to smash it against he parking lot�s asphalt until it was mostly exploded and the ground was covered with apple juice. Oh well! Boys will be boys!!

Target was great! Richard and I were afraid we�d get stuck in there forever, but this trip took just under two hours. (We�ve been faithful Target shoppers ever since we did our wedding registry there.) We only lost Michael twice. The first time, we paged him, and the second time we happened to find him right after he urinated on a ballerina outfit in the Young Misses� department. The Target employee who found him and brought him over to me seemed a little annoyed. Doesn�t she like children? I know I shouldn�t say this, but maybe she�s sterile! Those women always seem to be a little bitter when they see my wonderful creatures of abounding grace and loveliness. Anyway, I caught this employee giving Michael a look that seemed a little disapproving. I offered to pay for the outfit, but the young woman muttered something that sounded like, �don�t bother,� and walked away. Sounds like someone skipped a few days of charm school!!! (And why do they make them wear those awful red shirts, anyway? They do nothing for the complexion. Then again, maybe I shouldn�t judge: Richard doesn�t like it when I wear navy blue. He says it makes me look �dumpy� and accentuates what he calls my �nursing tits.� Fair enough!! But it�s not like I�m about to start feeding my darling precious fruitlogs formula? Hello??!!! Why don�t I just put on a t-shirt that says World�s Worst Mother?!!)

By the time we were done at Target, we�d spent about $500, but we got nearly half our Christmas shopping done! Among the highlights: new booties for Tasha (the dog ate her old ones, and even though I found them intact in his poop, I didn�t feel right putting them back on the wittle bitty God-kissed feet of my delightful little 27-hours-overdue, almost-had-to-do-a-Caesarian, probably-would�ve-killed-me-if-she�d-been-my-first-labor Tasha). Michael also got American Pie 2 on DVD. I didn�t think that sounded like a very appropriate film for a 6-year-old, but then I saw his lips starting to curl up like he was about to cry, and that�s when I remembered something I�d read in the latest book by Dr Chase Dickerson, How To Say Yes To Your Child Without Meaning No: by not letting Michael have the video he wanted, I was acting as an Obstacle to Fulfillment, which according to Dr Dickerson's research, can result in problems later in life, such as stuttering and matricide. We also got a new accessory for the TotRocker�: a Diaper-Changing Snacktray/Buttress assembly which is designed to go right above the puppy-bassinet sidecar. Perfect for those messy moments on the go!

After Target, Richard made me an offer I couldn�t refuse: He said he�d put our Target purchases in the AstroBlast and take Michael to hit the �guy stores� he spends so much time in: Scheel�s, to look at guns, and Best Buy, to look at speakers for his den (or as he likes to call it, his isolation chamber). The guy spends six hours in there every night, he might as well have decent speakers to listen to, right?!! So he took Michael and they headed in the direction of Bennigan�s (maybe for one of Richard�s cocktails!! I�ve told him if his cocktails were winning lottery tickets, we�d probably win the lottery!! And he usually says something like, if I were on the Pill, the vein in his forehead wouldn�t stick out so much!!!! That Richard!! One of the reasons I married him was for his sense of humor.)

So I took the other four kids out to the rest of the mall: First, a carousel ride. I don�t think Hasbro liked that so much. He said one of the other kids was making fun of him because of his eyepatch. So Hasbro started crying, which made his eyepatch come off. I had to put a new one on; good thing I always carry extras in my purse!!! Then, I asked him to point out the mean little boy who had hurt his feelings, so maybe I could give the young man�s mother a lesson on etiquette. Hasbro pointed to the boy and called him a �penis full of turds.� I gasped and hurried Hasbro and the other children away from the scene, dragging the TotRocket� behind us. I bet he learned that nasty language from Michael�though Michael�s counselor said the language thing was getting better. I should probably consult Dr. Dickerson�s first book Enabling By Disabling, Then Re-Enabling, and reread the chapter about the Six Levels Of Indulgence.

To make a long story a little less longer, we made it through the rest of the mall in about five hours, which might just be a record for the Palmer-Stabbenblatz clan!!! I managed to get to the Gap, the Baby Gap (those scarves they sell are adorable, and only $20 each! I had to get one for each of my perfect angelface sugarheads!), the Yankee Candle Store to get a Jumbo Lilac Potpourri Pumpkin Cheese Blossom scented candle to cover up the odor of Richard�s cigars (YUK!), then Victoria�s Secret, where I didn�t actually get a chance to do much looking because Cole was yanking all the camisoles off the rack, and the salesgirls were doing nothing to stop him. Honestly!!!&! Sometimes I think all those girls care about it their nails and their sorority parties.

We met Richard at the Holiday Gift Palace, next to the mall�s giant Christmas Tree and Yuletime Jingledrome and OrnamentWorks. I got a Precious Moments� nativity scene. We thought it would be absolutely priceless to get our picture taken with St Nick! So we got in line and, after about half an hour, it was almost our turn. Then, Michael told the photographer�s assistant that she was a butt-licking turdburglar. Aghast, Richard and I hurried him away from there as fast as we could.

Finally, after grabbing a bite at McGlaster�s Famous Caramel Hot Dog Depot & Olde Time Pretzelry (Richard is fanatical about their crepes & salsa), we got to Barnes & Noble. This is our favorite store because we can just turn our little buckets of angel flax loose in the Kids� department, where they can stay occupied for hours. Our little readers!!!!!(!!) Then me and Richard can relax in the caf� and enjoy our favorite expresso drinks�a Nutmeg double-decaf Fraptastic Mach 5 Mocha for me, and a Lax 2-the-Max Triple TazoBerry Latte Torpedo Smoothy For Richard. We just love expresso drinks. It�s gotten to the point where regular old coffee just doesn�t do it anymore. Richard grabs a mocha or expresso on the way to work every morning now, which apparently has prompted a few of the guys around the office to call him the Coffee Faggot!! Those guys!!! Guys!!

The ironical thing about Barnes & Noble is that Richard and I don�t very much care for reading. Except for my baby books, of course. I figured I�d better pick up a new book of baby names for the new arrival, due in January (Richard and I tried to time it so we�d have a Christmas baby, but apparently his sperm is getting a little sluggish after all these years!). We have a book of baby names for each of our wonderful Lord-begotten miracles of Lordly wonder, but I figured there might be some new names out there I haven�t heard of yet. You never know!!! I got a stack of baby books and looked through them while Richard flipped through a fantasy football magazine. Every time I suggested a name, he would say something smart-alecky like, �How about �Daddy�s Little Tax Write-Off�?� or, �I got one. �More Varicose Veins For Mommy�s Thighs�!� He can be such a party-pooper sometimes!!!!! So I made a list of names that looked like potential candidates. If it�s a boy: Jude, Everett, Tanner, Marquis, Kevlar, Devin, and Dumptruck. If it�s a girl: Brittania, Urania, Susan, Aiwa, and Quetzalcoatl.

It was around this time that Hasbro came running into the caf� carrying a Barney� totebag (I didn�t even know they sold those here! At a bookstore!! Who knew!!!!???!!!�!). He had invented a little game where he tried to whack as many tables with the totebag as quickly as possible. He wanted me to time him!! Isn�t that precious!? So I counted to twenty while he ran around hitting each table in the caf�. Some of the people sitting at the tables didn�t seem so thrilled about his game. Spoilsports! Can�t they see he�s wearing an eyepatch? Why are they trying to deny him his fun? One man sitting at the table next to us was wearing a fine linen suit. He made some mean-spirited comment about why couldn�t I control my child or some nonsense like that. He looked like he was from India or one of those countries like that. Like he should talk. Hello!!??! Doesn�t India have, like two billion people? Maybe he can critique my parenting skills once he does something about his country�s overpopulation problem!!! I mean?!?!?!!!����?

When it was finally time to leave, we collected our glorious honey citrus treasures from the Kids� section. It seems Michael had tried to stab Cole in the neck with the broomstick from a Harry Potter� Lil� Wizard Dark Lord�s Summoning Kit & Spells Book, but Cole had successfully parried the attack with a Blue�s Clues� lunchbox, which he then used to club Michael over the head. Neither of them seemed hurt by the incident, but the lunchbox was significantly dented, so I hid it behind the bookmark kiosk, along with my unfinished expresso drink. Then I paid for the baby names book, and Michael did the most cutest thing: I gave him the book and told him to give it to the nice man behind the cash register. So he ran to the counter and slammed the book down so hard it bounced right off the other side and hit the cashier in the groin. He didn�t seem to find it as charming as I did! I guess I�d be grumpy too, if I was stuck working in a bookstore all day. He looked like he might be gay. Too bad he�ll never experience the joy and heavenly bliss of conceiving his very own blessed saliva-coated miracle! His nametag said �JP.� I mean, get a real name, at least!!

All in all, it was another successful family outing for the Palmer-Stabbenblatzes. As we made our way back to the AstroBlast, I couldn�t help swelling with pride when I looked upon my family. God has truly blessed me and smiled upon my five (almost six!!!) beautiful, shrill, booger-encrusted shit stains of love.

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