1. Sumo wrestlers are the new midgets. 2. Movie stars are the new TV stars. 3. Modern is the new postmodern. 4. Unguent is the new ointment. 5. Oral sex is the new kissing. 6. Anal sex is the new intercourse. 7. Sex is the new virginity. 8. Figure skating is the new figure skating. 9. Electroclash is the new emo. 9. The death of irony is the new irony. 10. Damp is the new moist. 11. New "Simpsons" episodes are the new old "Simpsons" episodes. 12. Verdana is the new Helvetica.