I am SO EXCITED, because I just got back from the most intense five and a half hours of film I�ve ever witnessed! That�s right, I�m talking about none other than the latest exciting installment in the Lord Of The Rings franchise, the Two Towers! This movie is a tale of loyalty, trust, and triumph over adversity. It also taught me a lot about walking long distances and thinking a good guy is dead when he�s really not.

It begins where the last movie left off. Tobey Maguire and his sidekick, Mikey from The Goonies, are still trying to make it to the impenetrable fortress where they will be able to destroy his class ring. Right off the bat, they are in trouble: they are sleeping one night when they are attacked by that naked fetus from all the Tool videos, who is naked and schizophrenic. The fetus ends up being an ally, however, and agrees to help them find their way to the Death Star.

Meanwhile, another band of weary travelers, led by Daniel Day-Lewis, is chasing an army of bad dudes who have captured their Hobbit friends. Day-Lewis� character, Taragon, is joined by an elf named Legoman (played in a spectacular turn by James Van Der Beek) and a jolly dwarf played by George Wednt of �Cheers� fame. They soon run into their old pal Gandalf, an old gay wizard with impeccable fashion sense. They thought they saw him die, but it turns out he was just tripping. Their first mission with Gandalf is to liberate the Pope, who is being held captive by Meatloaf. Gandalf regulates old-school and banishes Meatloaf from the kingdom. This is a mistake, however, because Meatloaf just goes back to his evil boss Frank Zappa, who lives in the World Trade Center.

Meanwhile, Tobey and Mikey, still following the Tool dude, finally get to Oz, which is guarded by the Taliban, Shrek, and the 1974 lineup of Yes. Just in time, too, because Taragon and his followers have a major battle to fight! Not only that, but Taragon is falling big time for the hot princess, played by Heather Graham. This causes a major conflict for him, though, because he�s still in love with his high school girlfriend, an elf played by the beautiful Lily Taylor, who�s given up all hope that Taragon and his eight miner friends will ever get out of that cave alive.

Finally, only four and a half hours into the movie, everyone�s in place for the final epic battle. Things get all crazy at the fortress as the king, played by the aging Kenneth Branagh, rallies his troops for battle. They�re all afraid and shit until some blond dudes from Denmark show up to help. Then the battle gets underway, and things really get exciting! I learned a lot about war from this movie. I just have this to say to our boys headed to Iraq: I hope you have enough ladders to get over the wall of Sadaam Hussein�s fortress! Ho ho ho!

The last hour of the movie is kind of a blur. Some people die, then come back to life, then Gandalf comes back on his special gay horse and kills the rest of the bad dudes. The other Hobbits have been riding a giant tree around all this time, and the tree is angry because of clear-cutting in the Amazon rainforests. These trees all gang up on Frank Zappa and flood his fortress. It�s totally awesome!

I can�t wait until the next installment of this series. I�ve already started reading the book it�s based on, Harry Potter & The Skyrocketing Gas Prices.

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