At work today we scored essays by 10th graders writing about their definition of the word "hero." As can be expected, 99.9% of these essays drew heavily on the ideals of post-9/11 culture: Firefighters are heroes. George W Bush is a hero. God is a hero. The men who thwarted the terrorists on Flight 93 are heroes because they said the Lord's Prayer and then said "Let's Roll."

Now, I realize these are 10th graders. Few of them know much about the world�much less 9/11�than what they've heard from their parents, what they've seen in Newsweek special editions, or during emotional "Today Show" interviews with Lisa Beamer. But reading the world hero about 300,000 times in bubbly 10th-grade handwriting is starting to wear me down. I must warn you that I am probably going to sound callous and cynical�but anyone who has read this far was probably expecting that.

I have read several articles about NYFD personnel who say they are sick of being called heroes; that it's almost an insult. What they did on 9/11, or any other day, was their job. Their job just happens to carry a lot more imminent physical danger than that of your average lawyer, stockbroker, or dot-commer. Perhaps part of upper-middle-class America's fascination with firefighters (or police officers, teachers, EMTs, and construction workers), is really thinly-veiled guilt at having less meaningful (and higher-paying) jobs. But don't deify these blue-collar heroes one day and then take them for granted the other 364.

In fact, it's emerged that the sheer multitude of firefighters and rescue workers who directly disobeyed their commanders' orders and rushed into the towers on that day, ended up being an impediment to the rescue efforts already taking place. How's that for tragedy? Were the deaths of those superfluous firefighters necessary? Are they not heroes because their efforts backfired? Were the passengers on Flight 93 really heroes, or did they just have shitty luck? And I honestly am posing these questions; I don't purport to have the answers to them.

And if firefighters are so great, why has the Bush Administration suspended $340 million in federal funds for firefighters? Once again, Bush lionizes the humble, pure spirits of middle America, but when it comes time to put his money where his mouth is, he instead authorizes more tax cuts for the rich and fewer federal aid programs for his precious, beautiful men and women of the middle and lower classes who work so hard day in and day out. Sorry, firefighters (along with teachers, public servants, and all you other teeming, underpaid masses), that benefits package you were promised needs to be redirected towards tax cuts for the rich, Alaskan oil drilling, and the deregulation of Big Business.

As far as Bush being a hero, I'll say only this: You could have put any man (or woman, God forbid) in that office, and s/he would have reacted the same way, if not better. People who say that Gore or Nader wouldn't have gone to war in the wake of 9/11 are hopelessly clueless as to how the office of the President actually works. Bush went to war because he had no choice. His advisors told him to, and an overwhelming majority of the American People demanded it. It was a no-brainer. Anyone else would've done the same�although they might not have spent the hours after the attacks scurrying around the country in Air Force One due to "terrorist threats against the President's life" which were later reavealed to be a complete fabrication on Ari Fleischer's part. Can you imagine if Clinton had pulled that kind of stunt (or any of the other shit Bush has gotten away with these last 640 days)? He would have been crucified. Bush is seemingly bulletproof, emerging unscathed from scandal after scandal. Before 9/11, he wanted to drill the shit out of the Arctic Wildlife Refuge. Guess what, people? He still does! Before 9/11, he wanted to overturn Roe vs Wade. Guess what? He still does! 9/11 is the best thing that could have ever happened to Bush. It apparently sent the American people into a permanent aphasia which left them incapable of questioning his policies or remembering what a shitty president he is.

And don't even get me started on Lisa Beamer. No one needs my ranting to see straight through this opportunistic soccer mom. I've had to personally sell hundreds of copies of Let's Roll, which is shelved under Christian Inspiration and was ghost-written by a man in a lavendar sportscoat. A note to my future spouse: When I die, whether heroically or not, do not ever, EVER write a book about how great I am. Please. Record a country-western album, launch a sketch-comedy show on Fox, maybe take up crochet, but please don't start a foundation in my name or attempt to inspire millions by invoking my spirit in a book.

Some songs about heroes:

� Bonnie Tyler: "Holding Out For A Hero"
� Foo Fighters: "My Hero"
� Tina Turner: "We Don't Need Another Hero"
� Mariah Carey: "Hero"
� Enrique Iglesias: "Hero"
� Led Zeppelin: "Stairway To Hero"
� Hero Hero X: "Hero Hero Hirohito, Part 2"

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