I just got back from THE MATRIX: RELOADED and boy, was it something! Man! I cannot get over how much those special effects forced me to be entertained! I should have known we were in for one hell of a thrill ride when Ransom said to the man behind the ticket counter, "We'd like to get RELOADED, please!" The man just stared at us. He was obviously in as much shock and awe as we were at the prospect of getting RELOADED by millions of dollars of computer animation.

The beginning of the movie puts us mise en scene, as the Germans would say. This is a cinematic term meaning "On a motorcycle dressed in leather." No sooner has the movie begun than Neo (played with stiff aplomb by Keanu Reeves) is jarred awake by a terrible nightmare. We are also reuinted with Neo's friend Mobius, played with stately gravitas (an Italian word meaning "to walk slow") by Samuel L Jackson. Mobius is flying a spaceship around Middle Earth, collecting scrap metal to use in upcoming episodes of "Junkyard Wars" on TLC.

Anyway, Mobius ends up going to a Rusted Root show, where he makes a speech that works everyone up into quite a lather. Then Stomp performs, and Neo has sex with his girlfriend Trinity, played by Carrie Chapman Catt. Soon it is revealed that Neo, Mobius, and Trinity must travel into the Matrix, where Jeff Bridges is trapped riding colorful bikes on a huge computerized grid. They "jack in" to the Matrix. Or should I say they RELOAD???!!!?!!??

Next, Neo goes to a playground to meet with esteemed poet laureate of the Matrix, Maya Angelou. Because he is the son of legendary thespian and Superman protrayer Christopher Reeves, he flies there. He flies pretty much everywhere, because he spends the whole movie dressed as a priest. A priest who gets RELOADED!!! Anyway, after Neo talks to Maya Angelou, she leaves and Neo is cornered by an IRS auditor who have been riding his ass for weeks. Apparently this guy has learned to clone himself, so Neo has to fight, like one hundred of them! I mean, I've heard of Attack of the Clones, but this is RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(He defeats them.)

The next stop is a lavish feast that Trinity, Mobius, and Neo have been invited to. It is being held by Jaques Chirac, and their mission is to tell him what a peace-loving pussy he is because the French didn't want to invade Iraq. Who's laughing NOW, Frenchie!? Looks like it's time for someone to get RELOADED! But their meeting with the French prime minister goes sour when he sicks his henchmen, Milli Vanilli, on our heroic crusaders.

What follows is possibly the best car chase in movie history since Gone In 60 Seconds, at least. Milli Vanilli get in a souped-up SUV and chase Trinity and Neo onto the freeway in Los Angeles. (The whole time I was thinking, where's OJ? HA HA HA HA HA HA!) Unfortunately, Neo cannot let his car travel slower than fifty miles an hour, or it will blow up and Dennis Hopper will rule the Matrix. But never fear! Moebius comes along to save the day and, in a cataclysmic battle that claims hundreds of innocent human motorists' lives, Milli Vanilli is defeated.

Finally, Neo goes into a skycraper, and everything gets a little confusing from there on out. Frankly, I was too busy getting RELOADED to really understand the plot, but who cares when you're getting RELOADED? The movie ends when Neo comes face to face with Donald Rumsfeld, who informs Neo that he is his father, and that Trinity is Neo's sister / dead / a man. Neo then gets his hand cut off and falls into a wind tunnel, where he is finally rescued by Mobius and the lead singer of Living Colour. What happens next is so amazing, so shocking, and so not in this movie because it's in the sequel. I just couldn't believe that they threw in such a cliffhanger! Now we all have to go see the next movie! Why would they want to do that to us?

Well, I guess that will have to suffice. My skin is so chafed from getting RELOADED that I hope I'm ready for the thrilling conclusion to this saga: Harry Potter & The Hobbit's Matrix.

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