1. People who, in a non-smoking environment (a movie theatre, the subway, any indoor place, really) get out their cigarettes while they�re leaving but still indoors, and start to, like, fondle them or put them behind their ears or suck on them in sweet anticipation of finally feeding their addiction once they get back outdoors. Jesus Christ, it�s already sick enough that you�re practically fellating an object that gives you cancer, but can�t you exercise at least a little discipline and wait till you�re fully outside? The worst is when people are climbing the stairs out of the subway and pause, halfway up, to light their cigarette. The other day I was leaving my building, walking behind a guy who was getting his cigarette out, and he stopped while walking through the revolving doors to light it. It�s like he would rather risk getting mauled by the door�s revolving mechanism than waste one second breathing fresh air.

2. Emoticons. >:--(

3. Indoor scarf-wearers.

4. Cat people.

5. Dog people.

6. Fuckheads who, whenever their picture is being taken, find it necessary to flip off the camera. Look at any candid snapshot of any drunken meathead taken in a bar and there�s at least a 75% chance he�s got thrusting his middle finger at the camera. Much like the primitive cultures of the world who were afraid the camera would take a piece of their soul, these men probably feel their masculinity�s going to somehow be compromised if they�re photographed with a tasteful demeanor. Or maybe they�re just hoping to distract us from the Rohypnol they�re slipping into someone�s drink.

6a. In fact, any flipping of the bird whatsoever is just stupid. I mean, if Avril Lavigne is now doing it on the cover of goddamn Teen People, you know it's been drained of the last vestiges of its subversive impact. Besides, it�s just lazy and vulgar and unoriginal. Come up with something new, like, I don�t know, self-immolation.

6b. Excessive use of the thumb-index-pinky �rock� sign.

7. Apologists.

8. Refusal to capitalize anything because you're "artsy" or because you're "subverting the patriarchal constraints imposed by capital letters" (bell hooks). Or, worst of all, because you're lazy.

9. Slow walkers.

10. People who talk about all the �drama� in their lives. I guess we�re supposed to think their lives are �interesting� or �unpredictable� when really they�re �fucked up� and �psycho.� The funny thing is that the very people who claim to �hate drama� and �just want to live a normal life� are often the ones who precipitate that drama the most. I once dated a woman who made just such a pronouncment, but a typical evening out with her meant that by the end of the night, half the city was in flames.

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