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With the recent success of JP Mohan�s online weblog, the Internet community is raving about the broad appeal and universal relevance of his crass, self-pitying, often wholly incoherent musings. Here, then, is a transcript of the interview that started it all, conducted with the young intellectual twenty-four years ago in Paris, France. What follows is a candid, spontaneous discussion between the young lad and his mother Joan, father John, aunt Mary, and uncle Greg. Here we see the earliest signs of the refined musical taste, affinity for recording technology, penchant for Italian food, and burgeoning Catholicism that helped shape him into the embittered and depraved young man we recognize today. JPM: I went to the playground, Grandma! I went on the orange car! JOAN: And who was waving to you? JPM: A little boy! JOAN: A little boy? JPM: Uh-huh. JOAN: Can you sing any songs, John Paul? JPM: I went to the microphone! I went�I forgot to go on the orange truck. JOAN: Uh-oh. JPM: I forgot to go on the green truck! JOAN: Uh-oh. JOHN: That�s the one thing you forgot. What else did you ride on? JPM: I went on the motorcycles. JOHN: What else? JPM: I went on ... the ... um ... the round thing! The purple thing! And ... I ... uh ... [muttering] I went on the stagecoach! GREG: How about the motorcycles? You went on the motorcycles, right? JPM: I said that. GREG: Oh ... sorry. JOHN: He said that, Greg. JOAN: You fool, Greg. GREG: Sorry. JOHN: How about�what was it that you pressed the button and it went up and down? A rocket? JPM: I went on the rocket ship, and there�s a little button that makes it go up and down! JOHN: Mm-hmm. And who were you waving to? JPM: A little Japanese guy. JOAN: Was he a good boy? JPM: Uh-huh! GREG: How did you know he was Japanese? JPM: I don�t know. Maybe ... I think that�s his name! JOAN: Oh. GREG: Mmm. JOAN: What color was his hair? JPM: It�s brown. JOAN: What color? JPM: Brown! MARY: And, where did you go last night? Talk into the microphone. JOAN: Where did we all go last night? GREG: Don�t rub your thumb on that [the microphone]. It makes noise. JOAN: Keep your hands off the top. ... John Paul, where did Greg, Mary, Mom and Dad go last night? JPM: I don�t know. A ... museum. JOAN: No, not a museum. Someplace where we ate. Talk into the microphone and tell me. JPM: Microphone! JOAN: We went to a ... JPM: [yelling] Restaurant! JOAN: Right! JOHN: And what did we have to eat? JPM: Couch! JOAN: Couch? No. What did we have that was round and flat? JPM: [whispering] Pizza? JOAN: [whispering] Talk into the microphone. JPM: Pizza! JOAN: And then we had ... MARY: Nnnnn-noodles! JPM: Noodles! JOAN: Uh-huh. Now, what song will you sing for us tonight, sir? JPM: [singing] A B C D E F G, H I J K M N O P. Q R S T U V, W X Y and Z. Now I know my ABCs, next time won�t you sing with me? [applause] GREG: Yay! [whistling] JPM: I�ll show you a trick! JOHN: How about �Twinkle Twinkle�? JPM: I�ll show you a�a trick. A B C D E F G G! JOAN: Oh! GREG: Aw! How about �Twinkle Twinkle�? Can you sing �Twinkle Twinkle�? JPM: [singing] A B C D E F G G! JOAN: Jake, you�re a joker! GREG: Aw, come on, you can sing� JOHN: What does Don Music say when he goes �A B C D E F G G�? JPM: �A B C D E F�E F�� Bong! MARY: �I�ll never get it!� JPM: �I�ll never get it!� [begins banging on microphone] JOAN: Don�t bang! Don�t bang. JOHN: How about some other songs? �Twinkle Twinkle�? JPM: [singing] Twinkle, twinkle, little star / how I wonder what you are / up above the fields so high / like a diamond in the sky. [applause] GREG: All right. JOHN: All right. And �Row Row Row Your Boat�? JPM: [singing] Row row ... Row row ... Gently ... Gently ... Row your boat / gently down the stream / mare mare mare mare / mare mare mare mare / merrily merrily merrily ... [trails off] MARY: Life is but a ... JPM: [yelling] Dream! [applause] JOAN: Yay! Good job! JOHN: What do you think of Paris, sir? JPM: It�s pretty nifty! JOAN: How did you like the boat ride yesterday? JPM: Pretty nifty! JOAN: Did you see any�what was your favorite thing to watch? JPM: Um ... the ... MARY: Did you like the water splashing on the boat? JOHN: Have we seen any churches here? JOAN: Do you remember a big white church that we saw? JPM: With square steeples? JOAN: Uh-huh. JOHN: That was Notre Dame, mm-hmm. JPM: We went to Notre Dame ... GREG: And who lit a candle for Grandmother? [laughter] JOAN: Remember, we lit a candle for Grandma? Uncle Greg was the one who suggested it. But Dad paid for it. [laughter] Just ... get that in on the tape, right? GREG: No way! [doing his best Steve Martin] Excuuuuuse me! [laughter] JOAN: Actually, we didn�t have any money then, so it should�ve been ... Okay, now� JPM: A microphone! JOHN: Do you remember yesterday at that big white cathedral, Sacre Coeur? We saw the manger, and Joseph and Mary and the baby. Do you remember? JPM: And a little boy praying! JOAN: Uh-huh. What was that baby�s name in that little stable? JPM: Baby Jesus. JOAN: And what was his mommy�s name? JPM: Blessed Mary. JOAN: And what was his daddy�s name? JPM: Jophus! JOAN: Right, you got it. And then you put some money in the box for the poor people that Uncle Greg gave you. MARY: Do you remember us lighting a candle at the great great great big church that we went to? JOAN: Uncle Greg mentioned that. He was the one who suggested it ... [laughter] MARY: Of course he did. JOAN: Well I think you�ve made a nice tape here. GREG: Yeah, do you want to hear this tape? JOAN: Should we listen? JPM: Mm-hmm! ... Can I�can I bang? JOAN: Don�t bang. Can you say goodnight in Croatian? JPM: Laku no�! |